Kids, I’m about to tell you a story. An awful story. The story of how Craig Thomas and Carter Bays ruined How I Met Your Mother.

Alright, whoever is reading this isn’t really one of my (non-existent) kids. What is real about this review, however, is the disastrous nature of the HIMYM finale.

If you were a fan who followed the show religiously for years like me, then you likely went into that fateful Monday night filled with anticipation.

Anticipation that came from our following of Ted’s road to true love, one that we stuck with no matter how bumpy (really, really bumpy, in case you were wondering.)

Anticipation that came from the nine seasons of hilarious encounters of Ted, Barney, Robin, Marshall and Lily around New York City.

Anticipation that came from a beautifully wrapped up final season that seemed to tie together all loose ends, question marks and plot holes (besides the pineapple-still wondering about that.)

And then we watched it all crumble away.

In 20 minutes.

Every last bit of character development from the last three years; every obstacle that characters seemed to overcome; every instance of “letting go” that was seemingly let go of itself. All gone, in the span of one normal episode.

Now, if you have not seen the final episode and would like to watch it without having your entire “experience” ruined, I would suggest reading no further.

The day of the finale was suspenseful. Between the discussions with my friends and attempted rewatch of all 208 episodes in 20 minutes, I was about as close to prepared as one could be.

Then the episode started. It led off with the end of Barney and Robin’s wedding, something that I was looking forward to. After all, we just had an entire season of the weekend before that day.

The following 50 minutes was home to destruction of the almost entirely new characters that we had grown accustomed to in said weekend.

Let’s start at the beginning. The show began with the narrator, Ted, “falling in love” with Robin, and Barney telling him “you just know she likes it dirty.”

Entering the final episode, these two characters showed such a stark contrast to their original personalities that the writers of the show should be applauded. Ted learned to “let go” of Robin (which took him nine years), and Barney proved that he was past his grotesque womanizing days and was ready to settle down with Robin.

In fact, the last few episodes were home to Ted literally letting go of Robin as she drifted into the sky like a balloon in one of the cheesiest moments in television history.

In the second to last episode, Ted gave Barney Robin’s lost locket, all but severing any last ties he had to her emotionally. Barney ended the episode by professing his love and dedication to Robin, and they seemingly overcame any issues facing their imminent marriage.

Now, at this point you would expect that the series would draw to a close with every character being so eloquently given a perfect resolution. Wrong.

We were soon subject to the gang having a get together at Ted and the Mother’s house some years into the future. Here, we learned that Barney and Robin weren’t actually a happy couple, but instead were clashing and were getting a divorce.

Yeah, a divorce. For this couple who apparently had just adapted to one another after an entire season of change.

Fear not, I have yet to arrive at the worst part of the finale. The mother, this apparent endgame for Ted’s romantic struggles, was finally introduced to the kids.

We however had already grown accustomed to her, as we had seen Ted and her interact many times throughout the season.

They were a perfect match, and Ted finally seemed to be content. Sounds good, right?

Just kidding … she dies!

Yeah, at some point during the process of pitching ideas for the show, some wise guy jokingly suggested “let’s kill the mother!” And, somehow, enough people thought it was a great idea, and went with it.

While I’m not strictly opposed to characters dying in TV shows, I am strictly opposed to characters with  nine seasons of buildup towards being abruptly killed off with four minutes left in the series.

This wasn’t a dramatic exodus for the Mother; it was never even explicitly stated that she died. Just the kids joking that “she’s been gone for six years” and Ted making funny faces.

Sit tight, because I still haven’t got to the worst part yet. Surprising, right?

After the kids were finished laughing about their mother being dead, and the laughtrack had stopped, they told Ted, “go get Aunt Robin!” And guess what? He did.

He pulled a “Classic Schmosby” and stood outside Robin’s apartment with the blue French horn, a symbol of the love that was previously thought to be lost.

And that was it. Ted and Robin were back together. Barney had a kid. Marshall and Lily were happy, which is maybe the lone positive from this experience.

Ted and Robin were back together. Again. They fell in and out of love with each other a multitude of times throughout the show, much to the audience’s dismay. But luckily, they were finally over each other and it was all over. Or so we thought.

I spent the last six years of my life watching and learning to love these characters and hoped that the series finale would be at least an adequate ending to that journey. But it simply wasn’t. It figuratively killed all of the character development between characters, literally killed one of our newly beloved characters, and brought back to life a relationship that was previously believed to have been killed. It was nothing I could have asked for, and less.

And that, kids, is the story of How Ted Met Your Mother, Fell In Love With Her, Got Over Her Death, And Got Back Together With Your Aunt Robin In Like 5 Minutes.